Oxymoron
Dear Susan: Last weekend, I had sex with a woman who’s just a friend. (She and I laughed and said it was “friends with benefits.”) But now she’s calling me regularly, asking when I’m coming to see her again. I feel so guilty. It was purely platonic on my part. She’s a nice girl, but honestly, it meant nothing. What should I do?

Dear Reader: It might have meant nothing to you, but it could have unlocked some hopes in her. (Deep sigh.) That’s the tricky part of this misnomer—it’s supposedly casual but rarely so. The hurtful part of the rutting we’ve come to label “casual” is that one of the partners usually brings into the bed a secret hope. They don’t dare express it, fearing their lover will fly the coop. They play the game, pretending the passion is shared, but what lies beneath is a yearning for the real thing. And if you suspect the pretender is usually female, you are correct. And so, the path of casual sex is littered with feminine yearning. The female is the one who proves that “casual sex” is an oxymoron. How can the joining of pulsing flesh be ho-hum casual? Think about it. Then call her and apologize.

Q: Our sons are six and four. When their same-age cousins come over, they all go down into our basement to play. Invariably, within thirty minutes my youngest comes upstairs crying because his older brother is causing the cousins to gang up against him. I end up going down into the basement every half hour to settle these disputes. Is there a way to solve the problem once and for all?

A: You’ve discovered, the hard way, that “settling” one of these conflicts does not solve the problem. In fact, settling 1,358,495 of these disputes will not solve the problem. In further fact, you serving as a mediator is making matters worse. Unwittingly, by coming to your youngest son’s rescue, you cause the other boys to resent him and want to get back at him. When they do, he cries, you come running, you rescue, and again they resent him, and around and around it goes.

Back pain is one of the most common medical problems in the country. It can range from a dull, constant ache to a sudden, sharp pain. Whether it comes on suddenly from a fall or strain, or develops slowly because of age-related degenerative changes, it’s important to take care of your back and pay attention to what your pain may be trying to tell you. In some cases, serious medical conditions can cause back pain. Treatment will vary based on causes and symptoms, but there are steps you can take to lower your chance of chronic back pain.

“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”  —Helen Keller

We all get scared sometimes. I’m not talking about the fun thrill of a roller coaster or a scary movie.

A New Language
You don’t have to be single to be shy, but it’s more likely when your way of life pushes you to meet new people and make entrances ... solo. That’s why it’s so important to learn the language of SMALL TALK. (It merits capitals because it’s not so easy to learn.) Truth is it’s a totally new language for those of us who never inherited the gift of easy, flowing, not-very-important chatter. Which brings me back to a cringeworthy moment years ago at the United Nations in New York City when I was introduced to an old-time film legend and left alone with him. (If you must know, it was Douglas Fairbanks Jr.) I can still see the expression on my face—and his—as the two of us agonizingly croaked out sounds we hoped passed for conversation. Disaster!

Q: When I give my 5-year-old daughter a chore, she does it, but all the while she is muttering under her breath, huffing and puffing, and so on. Do I discipline that behavior or just let her vent?
A: Let her vent! She may have a “bad attitude,” but she does what she is told. She’s just being petulant, which in this situation doesn’t qualify as misbehavior. It’s mere childishness. In fact, I would predict that if you began punishing her petulant outbursts, she might swing to true rebellion. Count your blessings and leave this issue alone.

You recently gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby. You should be feeling excitement and joy, right? Not necessarily. “Many new mothers feel the worry, fatigue or sadness known as the ‘baby blues.’ It’s important to distinguish between that and postpartum depression, a condition which brings on stronger, more debilitating feelings that can linger weeks or months,” says Shirley D. Wilson, M.D., FACOG, a board-certified obstetrician and gynecologist at Southeast Georgia Health System. Dr. Wilson practices at Southeast Georgia Physician Associates-Obstetrics & Gynecology in Brunswick, Georgia.

When a new mother becomes depressed, she may feel overwhelmed by sadness, irritability, anxiety, emptiness, hopelessness, or lethargy. She may have trouble concentrating, may eat too much or not enough, may sleep too little or too much. Some women experience unexplained aches and pains. Others spiral into major depression and suicidal thoughts.

Happy Mother’s Day! How appropriate that Mental Health Awareness Month and Maternal Health Month are both in May. National Teachers’ Day is May 3rd and National Nurses’ Day is May 6th. Our mothers are often our first counselors, first teachers and first nurses. It’s also true that moms notoriously neglect their own health as they strive to keep their families healthy.

Exercises in Singleness
DEAR SUSAN: How on Earth did you come up with the idea of exercises in singleness? I’ve heard of situps and pushups for the underused abs and belly muscles, but how does someone exercise their singleness?!

DEAR BLOGGER: The same logic that applies to one’s abs or stomach muscles applies to their singleness: Underused is underdeveloped. A flaccid stomach muscle or abdomen is of little use to its owner when physical strength is called for. (Follow me closely here, dear Readers, and logic will lead you to your answer). The unmarried state, if not utilized vigorously, will tend to either grow inward, narrowing the supply of people so necessary for a full and vigorous life, or make a splash outward and become a mini-world of time-wasters and distractions. Either direction of energy is a contortion of the purpose of life, which is to grow and develop into more of a person. That purpose is best achieved in the unmarried state, when time and resources are under personal control. Exercising one’s singleness is, then, conscious usage of one’s time and resources in order to grow, to explore one’s interests and to expand one’s personal universe. And, when making the decision to migrate to the coupled world, the move can be as smooth as walking off a moving escalator—without missing a step. Paramount to coupled success is the continuation of the Exercises in Singleness! Maintaining them faithfully will keep one’s “undependence” intact and operable. And, not incidentally, it will make you—and your relationship—so much more interesting. Being interesting and beloved makes for a fascinating partnership. I wish it to you.

Is the following statement true or false?
It is often the case that children like what is not good for them
and do not like what is good for them.
True, right? Right!
The question then becomes, are you trying to be liked by your child?

Other forms of the same question are…Does it bother you when your child acts like he doesn’t like you? When your child acts like he doesn’t care for you, do you try to correct the situation? Do you desire, in your heart of hearts, to be seen by your child as a friend?

If you answered “yes” to those questions, then you have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are not of sound mind. In this case, a sound mind is defined as not caring one way or the other whether your child likes you at any given moment in time, or not.

After so much time spent inside during the cold winter months, we are all ready to get out and enjoy the gorgeous spring weather. However, it’s important to take precautions before basking in the sun. Yes! You can get sunburned even on these beautiful, cool, sunny spring days. Skin cancer—the abnormal growth of skin cells—most often develops on skin that has been exposed to the sun. Are you at risk?

There are three major types of skin cancer:
• Basal Cell Carcinoma: This is skin cancer that begins in the basal cells, which are a type of cell within the skin that produces new skin cells as old ones die off. Basal cell carcinoma typically appears in sun-exposed areas, such as the head and neck and has a slightly transparent bump. It is usually a growth or sore that won’t heal.

Unless my allergies deceive me, spring has sprung! It’s that glorious time of year when you wake up to birdsong and fall asleep from antihistamines. In all seriousness, this is a splendid time of year in Coastal Georgia. There are incredible events every weekend, and there’s an excellent chance the weather will behave. Please be sure to wear your sunscreen and stylish sunhats, though. If you need extra motivation, be sure to read Dr. Bowen’s article on skin cancer in Paisley Prescriptions.

DEAR SUSAN:
Those supposed “bad boys” are filling some need in girls’ lives that makes them take notice—and feel special. Maybe it’s only the cheap rush of danger; maybe it’s sexual, but without a doubt, something strong gets their attention! (And nice guys rarely come on as strong!) Males who see themselves as “nice guys” should give up trying so hard to BE nice—and DO more. An interested person is an interesting person! Be the guy who’s doing things in the world, who’s truly interested in his work, who makes things happen. And guess what—he’s nice, too. Females are drawn to a man who’s interesting. And when niceness is also part of his persona, they’ll fall at his feet. —From the ‘Single File’ Blog

Q: I recently tried toilet training my 32-month-old, but after a few days of no success, I decided to stop. A friend tells me to hang in there, but my pediatrician says my son isn’t ready. She suggests I try again in a few months. Your thoughts?

At some point everyone experiences digestive problems such as abdominal pain, bloating, diarrhea, constipation, heartburn, nausea or vomiting. This is often a temporary inconvenience caused by too much ice cream, beer or chicken wings. However, when symptoms persist, it may be a sign of an underlying problem that needs serious medical attention. Most of us know when we’ve gone too far with excessive food and drink, waddling to the couch to assume a horizontal position soon after dinner for relief from overeating. But when are stomach issues, which may be caused by more than a stomach-revolting, self-induced food binge, a concern? We had a gut feeling it was time to ask our local expert to tell us more about the importance of gut health and the perils we may experience.

Do you ever feel like you’ve spent the last two years inside your home? I know it isn’t literally true, but I certainly started to feel that way recently. I’m grateful to Lynda Dalton Gallagher for calling me up and getting me out of the house! For the first time since before COVID hit, I was back on stage last month, and it felt great. There’s just nothing like sharing a space with people and making them laugh.

DEAR SUSAN:
I finally ended a long marriage that was filled with lies, cheating and mental and verbal abuse. (It took years for the divorce to become final.) My therapist, children, family and friends all are encouraging me to start dating again and begin a new life with a new man who deserves and respects me. I shudder at the thought. Whenever the topic is even mentioned I begin to shake and sometimes even cry. I’ve been so scarred by my past relationship that the issue of trust is more than a hurdle; it’s like breaking through a brick wall. I’m very happy surrounded by family and friends—and happy to finally be on my own. I know I have many good years ahead (I’m approaching the age of 50), but why must they be with a partner? Must I start dating again to “heal” and make my life “complete”?

I hope you are as excited for February as I am. There is so much to look forward to: The Super Bowl, The Winter Olympics, Galentine’s Day, Valentine’s Day, The Big Read and more!

My 3-year-old is fearful of trying anything new, including things that other kids his age love to do such as swinging on a swing, sliding down a slide, and splashing in a pool. I feel like I should begin talking to him about what to do in case of a fire in our house and “stranger danger,” but how can I make him aware of how serious these dangers are without scaring him?

February is American Heart Month: a good time to focus on your cardiovascular health. Stroke is a leading cause of death and disability in the United States. Nearly 800,000 Americans have a stroke every year. Heart Disease is the number one cause of death in this country, killing about 600,000 Americans annually. Both are serious health issues that can affect women, as well as men, so we asked local health experts to answer our questions about heart disease and stroke.
(Above statistics from cdc.gov)

DEAR SUSAN:
I was quite saddened to read in ‘Single File’ that unmarried households (solo) outnumber married families. But as I think about it, it’s somewhat true. Even in my life I know of several people between the ages of 30 and 55 who live alone. Those divorced are trying desperately to meet someone so as not to continue their journey alone. I think that’s because they have experienced marriage and motherhood and want to experience part (if not all) of it again.

Happy New Year! Are you ready to #StartFresh? I know I am! Every year has its ups and downs, but I am ready to leave 2021 behind and start 2022 with a clean slate! The inspiring stories and features in this month’s magazine have motivated me to hit the ground running (or maybe just a brisk walk)!

Making children happy became a parenting goal in the early 1970s. The paradox, as everyone with a modicum of common sense knows, is that the more effort parents put into making a child happy, the more unhappy the child becomes.

Underneath the cute appearance of an infant lurks a tyrant. I would have been expelled from graduate school for writing that sentence, but as loathe as many of today’s parents are to accept it, that is the truth. Another paradox: Parents who are unwilling to accept it are the ones most likely to give the tyrant permission to step out of hiding and begin his reign of terror.